Top 10 Reasons Why I Couldn’t Come Up With An Amazing Column For Russh This Month:
1.    Brain is hurty: Do you think I’m this great writer who comes up with ideas left and right off the dome? I’m not. 85% of my brain space is usually sitting on a hammock eating donuts and watching monkeys brush their teeth. Dogs and kittens cuddle while I’m fantasizing about YSL shoes that maybe someone will be able to buy for me one day, and then I’ll walk around in them while I’m pushing the stroller that carry my red-headed twins. So that’s where my brain is at. The other 15% is trying to think up clever ideas such as this so that none of you realize what I’m actually thinking about.
2.    Managing a staff: I have a new job. I’m the editor at Missbehave magazine. This weird for a plethora of reasons, one of which is that I went from counting my change to buy a slice of pizza so that I wouldn’t starve, to running a magazine. A whole magazine! And all the people that work there, everything they do, it goes through me. What?!? I’m not ready for this kind of responsibility. I know I said I fantasized about having kids, but never one with 6 heads, which is what I have now. Oh wah!
3.    I’m a “DJ”: I still am dj'ing my 90s night, which is called LOSER, every Thursday from 11pm-4am. Fuck I’m tired. I love Porno For Pyros and the Spin Doctors as much as the next person, but week after week? The yawn factor is at 10, both literally and figuratively.
4.    Lacking Inspirado: I haven’t had time to read or listen to music or watch my favorite TV shows. I haven’t had time to ponder what it takes to make love last for real in New York. I haven’t had time to think about why things work in relationships and why they don’t. I also kind of stopped caring, which in turn might indeed be the secret to how and why things work. Let go and let the universe figure it out, because it’s going to anyway whether I try to control it or not.
5.    Panic Attacks: This summer I lost a lot of weight. I broke up with Scott and had about 69 panic attacks everyday. I couldn’t eat (no appetite), I couldn’t sleep (watched Intervention), and I especially couldn’t write. When I did it was so full of whiny bullshit that it made me want to punch myself in the face, which then ensued another panic attack.
6.    Faking It: I’m writing a guide to “Faking It” and it has to be like a million words and it was due yesterday and I’m not even sure what faking it really means at the moment.
7.    Fashion Week: You think I care about this shit-show? Think again.
8.    Weekend Getaway: I went to the Hamptons, Montauk, Atlantic City, and Upstate New York. I got tan as a mo. My phone was shut off and the giggles runneth over. I bonded with main homies: Rafael, Jen, Tara, Andrea, Michael, John, Janie, Chloe, Humberto, Carol, Alana, Chelsea…what’s better in life than wasting time with awesome friends? Absolutely nothing.
9.    Obsession: Okay so the real deal is that I kind of got obsessed with this guy. It’s nothing serious except for it being seriously fun and awesome. For those of you who don’t get obsessed (Buddhist monk much?) I can spell it out for you. Plans get broken at the last minute because the boy asks you to get a slice of pizza. You don’t go to work functions because you’re “sick” which means you’re laying around eating McDonald’s in bed with him, in your underwear, laughing until the sun comes up. It’s some kind of fantasy based on nothing and you’re still in the phase where you can make each other come by acting jealous. Score!
10.    Lack of Talent/ideas: Wanna know a secret? I’m a dummy. There, the cat’s outta the bag. See you next month! (Pray for me).