Dear Lesley,

When do you start thinking about having a baby? I’m 29 and my mom is all Midwestern and freaking out but here in the big city nobody does it til their mid 30s. Sounds good to me but my sister waited til 35 and was on all kinds of weird hormones and fertility drugs. They spent a bunch of money and it was a headache and then they got twins. It takes about 5 years to find a mate right? So does that mean I should have started at 25?

Sincerely,

Jodie Foster

(not my real name)

Dear Jodie Foster,

You’re worrying about having a baby but you don’t have a boyfriend? That’s weird. A surefire way to NEVER get a boyfriend is to tell him you want a baby. If your mom is freaking, that’s her problem. You’re 29. The real problem is that you’re 29 and you still care about what your mom thinks. There’s also a big difference between being 29 and 35. For the next five years I encourage you to stop worrying about when you’re going to have a baby and instead concentrate on yourself and your life. The universal chips will fall where they’re supposed to and in the meantime enjoy your childless life, because when you do have a kid, you won’t have a life anymore. If you find a boyfriend and get married and get pregnant because you think you’re supposed to, you’ll end up getting a divorce and by the time you’re 35 you’re kid will be on Intervention. That too is a headache, so take your pick.

Love Lesley Arfin (my real name)